Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
