Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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