There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
