I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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