so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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