Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
