david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
