I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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