What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
