I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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