is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
