so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
