i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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