The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
