i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
