Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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