if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
