After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize