Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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