Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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