WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
