the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
