Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
