Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
