I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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