i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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