She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
