I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
