wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
