my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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