Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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