Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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