Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
