Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
