i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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