I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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