Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
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