chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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