all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
