3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She bit a glass in half.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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