i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
