Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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