Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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