Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
