I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
