Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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