I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
