I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
