that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
