and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
