Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
