if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
