I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just found puke in my bra..
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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