Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
