I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You pole danced in your parka.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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