I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
