There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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