Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
