I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
did i just pee glitter
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
