I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
