there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Be still, my beating vagina.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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