hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
