he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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