My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
