The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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