my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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