two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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