someone threw a dead crab at me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
