Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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