in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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